


Faith: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Daytime TV

by ocean_of_notions, radio_silent



Series: The Very Secret Diaries...on the Hellmouth! [9]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, Diary/Journal, Humor, Multi, Season/Series 03, Very Secret Diary, bonus lesbian subtext
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-11-12
Updated: 2008-11-12
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:39:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ocean_of_notions/pseuds/ocean_of_notions, https://archiveofourown.org/users/radio_silent/pseuds/radio_silent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Am surprisingly good at wresting alligators.  Watcher missed that, of course.  Was probably off drinking tea or something.  Bitch."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faith: Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Daytime TV

Day One

Found out I have superpowers today.  Pretty sweet. Uptight British lady wants me to "use my powers for good" or whatever.

Day Two

Uptight British lady could use some sex or drugs or something. Needs to relax.

Also, I kick ass.

Day Three

Apparently there's more to this "slayer stuff" than meets the eye. Like, there's another one out in CA, enjoying the sun. Tanning while I'm stuck here hugging Baptist preachers in the heat.

Getting arrested was fun, though.  Until Watcher bailed me out.  Will miss Bubba.

Day Four

Met vampire with a funny accent, midwest or something.  Was so distracted trying to place accent that vampire got away.  Watcher says I need to work on my concentration skills. Sounded serious.

Maybe he was from Ohio? Or Louisiana...

Day Five

Am surprisingly good at wresting alligators.  Watcher missed that, of course.  Was probably off drinking tea or something.  Bitch.

Day Six

Met another vamp who talks funny.  Doesn't have alligators, but does look kind of like a goat.  Did not appreciate my saying so.

Hey, wonder where Watcher is...

Day Seven

So Watcher's kind of dead.

Um.

(later)

Am headed to Sunnydale, CA. Mom won't care if I'm gone, or even really notice. (Must've gotten "concentration issues" from her.) And I hear the west coast is great this time of year. Always wanted to travel. Vacation or something.

Day Eight

Hitchhiking from Boston to SoCal?  So dangerous.  Should try it more often!

Day Nine

Drunk trucker (not my favorite driver...that had to be High Steve, or maybe Large Marge...) got me to Sunny D.  It's smaller than I imagined, and other Slayer reminds me a little of Watcher.  Uptight-ness seems to run in the biz.  Have to see what I can do to change that.

Day Ten

So Goat Dude followed me all the way across the country...must have been REALLY pissed about the goat thing.  And his face.  Other Slayer helped me kill him though.  She's still uptight, but she's alright.

Day Eleven

Shot a werewolf today (with a tranquilizer dart).  Way more fun than watching them sleep.

...or the exact same thing.  Whatever.  Do enjoy the nudity with my morning though...

Day Twelve

Buffy's single (sort of) and I'm going to Homecoming with her (sort of).

(later)

Scoobies got Buffy and Cordelia to ride in the limo together.  Without me.  And I heard they got to kill things too.  Totally not five by five.

Day Thirteen

Heard parents went toddler on everyone last night.  Suppose it's cool I didn't have anyone to babysit.

...I wonder if adolescent Giles was kinda hot.  Wouldn't mind alligator wrestling with HIM.

Day Fourteen

As if one uptight British lady wasn't enough.  At least this one doesn't bitch about my concentration skills.  Since I'm so "Spotten" and all that.*

(later)

Damn.  What is it with these Watchers?  They should come with a friggin' expiration date.

Day Fifteen

So Buffy really is dating again.  And of all people she has to pick a back-from-the-dead vamp who already tried to kill everyone she knew.

And she's DATING.

Day Sixteen

Buffy's still jonesing for that back-from-the-dead-vamp, only now he's a back-from-the-dead-and-insane-vamp.  I brought her presents and everything, but she still ran off with Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome.  What does she see in him, anyway?  Knew I should've gone to Bubba's big party (he did come all the way out to SunnyD, parole be damned, to see me...).

Day Seventeen

Haven't seen Buffy in a few days.  That's okay, though.  I have a (sort-of) working TV to keep me company.  Can't get What's My Line, but daytime TV seems to be coming in okay... not that I'd watch daytime TV. Seems lame.

(later)

Was wrong!  Have discovered awesome show called Passions.  Totally five by five.

Day Eighteen

World was ending, but then I saved it.  And got laid.  Not in that order.  Pretty good night.

Day Nineteen

Buffy and I have different definitions of "friends."  Might be why she's still with Angel.

Clearly she does not watch Passions.

Day Twenty

New watcher is lame.  Soooo lame.  Sort-of hope he expires.

Day Twenty-One

Buffy's undead lover's trying to start something with me.  Told me all about how he knew I was suffering, but I wasn't the only one with problems, and then rambled on about some soul business and Buffy and his "M.O."

Think he watches Passions.

(later)

Angel's emotional rambling starting to get good when new Watcher and Co. busted the party.  So not cool, but I did get to punch him in the face.

Day Twenty-Two

Buffy and I have different views over the whole expiration issue.  In general.  Don't think I want to bat for the good team any more.

Plus bad girls are sexier, right?  The Mayor thinks so anyway.

Day Twenty-Three

Mayor sent me on first recon mission.  Found some v. important, top-secret documents in Angel's mansion.  Started reading--very intrigued.  Think is the mysterious "M.O."  He woke up just as I was getting to the good part--Delilah was about to find out who she'd been sleeping with all along.  Now will never know what happens next, or whether or not Delilah was actually a woman.  Damn.  In other news, found out that Willow can hack into Mayor's files.

(later)

Mayor wants me to kill Willow.  And he bought me a PlayStation!  Didn't tell him about Delilah though.

Day Twenty-Four

Have thought up genius plan!  If I can only get Angel alone and all to myself (and possibly evil), I can make Buffy v. jealous AND hear what happens to Delilah.  Now all I have to do is find a way to seduce him...

(later)

Went to Angel all broody and sad, but he just went on and on about how his problems are not like mine. He's probably right...writer's block is for wusses.

Day Twenty-Five

Angel doesn't like my ideas for Delilah (even after I demonstrated, damnit! I don't do that for everyone!). He keeps insisting I'm just not right for the part.  Think he's got someone else already.  Bitch.

Day Twenty-Six

Mayor's working on something Ascension-y, about a box or something?  Dunno.  Important thing is I have twizzlers, Passions is on...and I have twizzlers.

Ooh!  And new boots.

Day Twenty-Seven

Tried this "miniature golf" thing the mayor's always going on about.  Thought was boring at first, but forces of evil (or good?) clearly conspiring against me.  Mayor slightly less enthusiastic about my new hobby after put golf ball through the wall for sixth time.

Maybe I'll just go back to Passions.

Day Twenty-Eight

I got a present from the Mayor!  It's shiny and lethal!

(later)

Caught Buffy's little rhymes-with-bitch checking out the library.  Tried to kill her, but she shouted something about empowerment and unrequited love and me and Buffy and by the time I'd listened to the rant (what is it with B's people?) and gotten out my present, Mayor came in to stop me.  V. bad timing on his part...it would've been fun.

Day Twenty-Nine

Caught Angel discussing Delilah sex scene with Buffy--how dare he!  That was MY idea!  I'll show him.  And B too.

(later)

Plan in place.  Angel's poisoned--wicked poisoned.  I'm all set for B's dramatic on-again-off-again lover confrontation.

Day Thirty

Buffy less receptive than had hoped.  I even offered her twizzlers and handcuffs!  She was wearing our BFF pleather pants though, so the drama was definitely there.

Mayor not pleased with my extracurricular activities.  Says Passions is...something something long words, stopped listening...tried to get me to watch Cartoon Network.

Day Thirty-One

Time to blow this joint.  Off to L.A. to find my way on Passions--will make Angel regret turning me down!  Second best actor, my ass!  He won't be laughing when I tell James E. Reilly everything about him and his little M.O.**

 

 

*  [Note: We know how to spell "Spartan"]

** [Note: [James E. Reilly](http://community.livejournal.com/hellmouth_vsds/5073.html#cutid1) (1948-2008) created Passions]  
 


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